Series: Real Talk from Women in the Workplace

The following is the first in what we hope to be an ongoing, honest series, where women anonymously share situations they’ve faced in the workplace, how they dealt with them, and more importantly, the lesson they learned and advice they’d give to others facing similar challenges.

Describe a situation at work that pushed your professional or personal boundaries.

Before Covid, a main part of my job was traveling to different doctor's offices around the country, oftentimes with a sales rep from the same company. Since we would travel to remote/hard-to-get to places, it was not uncommon to carpool or coordinate to stay in the same hotel. One time, I was sharing a long ride with a male colleague out to a hospital in rural Wyoming. In the car, the conversation turned away from work-related topics to the more personal. Although I was not asking, he was sharing very private information about his sex life, grooming habits, medical history, and personal details about his girlfriend.

When he was done, he started asking me to share a similar level of personal information. He asked how often I had sex with my husband, if we were trying to get pregnant - and specifically, how hard we were “trying.” He then asked how soon my husband and I were intimate after a typical work trip - and stated that if we weren’t “ripping each other’s clothes off as soon as I got through the door, that something was wrong with my marriage.”

Since I was literally stuck in the car with no cell service or way to get out of the situation, I responded by answering his questions in vague and elusive terms, trying to politely drive home that the answers were none of his business. It didn’t seem to matter what I said. He kept pushing for more intimate details, claiming that we were “friends now” and that I should feel safe, especially considering how much I now knew about him.

Eventually, we reached our destination, and I was able to transition to more work-related topics of conversation.

Although this was the first time these uncomfortable conversations arose, unfortunately, it wasn’t the last. He and I had a large number of shared clients, which meant we needed to coordinate our visits over a series of months.

I was anxious about each visit and tried different tactics to see if I could get different results. On the next occasion, there were three of us in the car and I chose to sit in the back to avoid being in the hot seat. That didn’t stop him. He just extended his awkward, creepy line of questioning to her - and she was younger - which made me feel worse, because I could tell she didn’t know what to do either.

I came to the conclusion that his behavior wasn’t going to change, regardless of the approach I took. So, despite the inconvenience, I chose to always drive separately and stay in a different hotel from then on.

What’s crazy is that even with minimal time together out on the road — I’m talking 3 minutes in a parking lot — this man seemed determined to say something inappropriate, but under the guise of being friendly.

How did it make you feel? What thoughts did it bring up for you?

When I was alone with him, it made me feel super uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like I was in danger per se, but I did feel violated. He wasn’t hitting on me, but he was definitely crossing my boundaries.

These conversations totally threw me off my game and distracted me from what I was hired to do.

Did anyone show up for you to support you in this situation? If so, how?

Yes, I shared what was going on with my husband and some female colleagues. That prompted some of them to share similar experiences that they with him, or others at the company.

I received advice from my close friends on how to deflect or disengage, to check in more regularly via text, and what my options were, legally, if I felt like it was slipping into harassment territory.

How did you respond/handle the situation? Did you talk to anyone about it?

After a month or more of trying to resolve it in my own way, I eventually brought it up to my manager when I saw him in person next. I let him know the nature of what had been happening on the road and said that it would be irresponsible of me at this point to *not* say anything.

He listened and was sympathetic. However, I'm not sure he took any action.

Coincidentally, this man ended up getting laid off within the next few months for poor sales results. I'm not sure his personal behavior ever came into play.

Would you do anything differently, in hindsight?

Even though I felt like I made it clear that these conversations made me uncomfortable and I said something to my manager, I wish I had a way of better stating my boundaries.

I think I needed to hear that song, "Don't be polite to men who creep you out" song way earlier in life.

If someone else were in a similar situation, what would you advise?